How do you get over someone?
By getting under someone else? A simple hair cut? The perfect playlist?
Much like the concept of closure, “getting over” someone is an intangible but highly sought after goal following a break-up. Whilst closure might involve an amicable, mutually beneficial end to a relationship, to get over someone is to forget them, to better them, to transcend the relationship and be born anew. But how do we get over someone?
Here is a part one of my comprehensive list, rated on an entirely arbitrary 1-10 scale, of the methods I’ve tried and tested to get over an ex.
1. drunk texting them in a noble quest for “answers”
We’ve all been there. Often it’s on the toilet – safe from disapproving friends – half swaying, half pissing, wrenching a phone from an overstuffed bumbag. Lipgloss, keys, and condoms scatter around your feet as you blink hard at your phone, running your thumb through your contacts until you land on “stupid ex” (or whatever endearing nickname you’ve saved them under). Then, if you’re anything like me, you spew whatever sober thoughts have been threatening to burst forth from your brain since that fateful Tuesday afternoon.
If inappropriately texting your ex were an olympic sport, I’d be a gold medalist. Like many olympians, I started training early. In my case, at 15, after my first Proper Break-Up. I was on a “campout” in a soggy field, drinking Smirnoff vodka from the bottle, with my friends. They saw my scrunched up, blue-lit face, and furious thumbs, and quickly realised I was texting my ex-boyfriend. They took immediate action, swiftly confiscating my phone. I begged for it back on the basis that I needed the torch so I could find a suitable spot to pee. They conceded. Master-manipulator that I was, I sneakily changed the contact name of my ex to someone unproblematic. And so I spent the rest of the night in an uninterrupted back-and-forth between myself and my cheating ex-boyfriend.
No matter how articulately and pointedly I’ve thrown “whys” and “what ifs” at my exes, I have never received the answers I want or need. Perhaps this is an inevitable part of break-ups. Perhaps it’s because I’ve only seriously dated men in STEM. Whatever the reason, I must rate drunkenly texting your ex a -3/10. Reserve that drunken vulnerability for those who actually care about you.
2. a personal rebrand
Cutting and dying your hair, getting a new piercing or tattoo, or entirely overhauling one’s personal style are all huge post-break-up cliches. Life becomes a movie montage of scissors, box-dye, gel polish, and arms weighed-down by shopping bags. A new look can signify the shedding of a skin which once belonged to another. What’s superficial like a pixie-cut, stick-and-poke, or belly-bar can feel like a reclamation of self. Bonus points if the new aesthetic incorporates anything your ex partner would have hated!
This one harms no one and provides plenty of opportunity for thirst-trapping and – more importantly – for feeling yourself. 9/10.
3. hard-launch said personal rebrand across all socials
Following this break-up, I haven’t indulged in a personal rebrand as time, money, and general circumstances haven’t allowed for such a transformation. I have, however, posted my fair share of of subtweets and thirst-traps, all with a target audience of one. None of these have succeeded in getting said one to fall madly back in love with me – they haven’t lured him as far as my DMs, or even the “like” button. Gutting.
Over some Pad Thai and white wine, my friend explained that – once someone has decided they don’t love or want you anymore – no amount of hotness or astute witticisms are going to change their mind. We can flex and flaunt as much as we want, but it’s likely a lost cause. I just can’t help continuing to perform for them even though they’ve abruptly left the theatre before I’ve made it to the final act. He leaves and the reply-guys file in to take his place.
And there is something incredibly icky about receiving this love and adoration from men you’ve never met in place of the love and adoration from one who genuinely loved and adored you… It’s a 4/10 from me – it scores some points only because there’s at least a small hit of dopamine to be gained from one’s ex being forced to perceive your enduring hotness.
4. analyse their instagram profile until you get the ick
10/10, no notes.* Easily the best use of social media in trying to get over someone.
5. “the best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else”
Nothing removes the bitter taste of a break up quite like rinsing one’s mouth with some fresh, new semen. Nature’s pallet cleanser. This cliche can extend from casual sex to falling in love with somebody new. In fact, a few of my friends have explained that they find they only get over someone once they’ve started catching feelings for someone else. Terrifying.
So for risk-averse commitment-phobes like myself, the casual sex will suffice. I have sworn by this method since my break-up at uni and have vouched for it in previous articles.
However, following this most recent break-up, I have found post-break-up sex to be a bit of a minefield. The vulnerability of rebound sex can induce some spiralling. You may find that one encounter triggers a rapid-fire domino-effect; sometimes you have to rebound from your rebound. And so you frantically dash across these sexual stepping-stones, outrunning the incoming tidal wave of feelings.
Getting under somebody else can all too easily set you onto an involuntary and unfun slip-n-slide into another relationship. So, as a strong advocate for singledom, I must rate this only a 6/10 (even though I really do relish this excuse to be a Massive Whore).
There are certain methods which are universally practised and preached as a means to a Smug and Satisfying end. These are but a few of them. If I had an editor to oversee this, I’m sure I’d have more succinctly got all 10 points into one piece. Unfortunately I love an extended, anecdotal explanation for my snippets of advice. I hope they’re helpful. Even if we all know we shouldn’t text our exes, this may have served as a helpful reminder.
Now go forth and stare judgementally at their Instagram. Go, give yourself the ick.
And stay-tuned for more on this next week
❤️🩹🍒🔪💋🌹