25 things I learned at 25

one whole year of having a "fully developed brain"

me at 25

Today I turn 26. I’ve been told by lots of people that 26 (or 27) was their favourite age – that they still feel as though they’re 26, despite being somewhere in their 40s or 50s. I think 26 is going to be good; I have one whole year of a fully developed brain behind me, and I’m still just as hot as I was at 21. The valuable lessons are stacking up into a wealth of experience that will (hopefully) better inform future choices.

I’m writing this very, deeply hungover. There is a smorgasbord of potato smiles, hash browns, and quorn nuggets crisping up in the oven. I’m salivating at the thought of an ice-cold diet coke.

My brain is too fried from all the beer I drank last night, so I’m just going to get straight into it.

Here are 25 things I learned at 25:

1. Moving house is one of the most stressful things a person can do. You will want to bin all of your belongings.

2. ⁠The best “skin care regime” there is won’t be found in a retinol serum or some pastel-packaged goop – it’s fresh air (not London), sobriety, and abstinence from nicotine.

3. Hair absolutely IS everything.

   

   shagged

4. One month sober is not long enough to feel the benefit. Especially when you absolutely fuck it on the 31st day – so badly you throw up down your slutty bunny costume.

5. Boundaries are easier to draw than you think (when the right people are involved).

6. The perfect leather jacket is worth the wait. Especially when the perfect one is second-hand and costs £20.

   

   God bless Peckham carboot

7. Though cringe, wearing athleisurse wear out and about is so comfy. I see why the Americans do it. But I won’t make a habit of it.

8. Getting a cervical biopsy does not, in the slightest, resemble a walk in the park. There was nothing “normal” about those cramps.

9. The theory that as soon you turn 25 that means your pre-frontal cortex is “fully cooked” and therefore you’d never make a stupid decision ever again is a fallacy. I’m still stupid. Maybe just a little less stupid than I was at 23.

10. Micropenises are real.

11. Living walking distance from your best friends is a game-changer — especially in a city as large as London, where 9 times out of 10 you have to spend 20+ minutes in transit just for a casual coffee catch-up.

12. ⁠Find things to do with your best friends that don’t revolve around alcohol; board games (Catan), walks, sauna nights. Your liver will thank you.

13. ⁠People are going to start having babies and getting married; you’re on your own timeline; you do you queen and learn to be celebrate your best friend’s milestones with them.

14. Trauma therapy works. Or at least talking at length about the same event for two hours every week until you get bored of hearing yourself talk about it worked for me.

15. You don’t need to spend £200+ on a festival to have the time of your life. You can do it for free from your best friend’s living room.

16. One sober weekend per month and one solo night in per week are necessary prerequisites to your sanity.

17. Weddings don’t need to cost a fortune to reflect the beauty, specialness, and romance of the couple getting married.

18. Sometimes it really is a good idea to stick to the plan and not let your hangover, general fatigue, or can’t-be-botheredness get in the way. (Only applicable if you’re not in active depression).

19. ⁠It’s okay not to know what’s going to happen next. Sometimes it’s okay to just call it a night and go home.

20. Flossing every day is worth the extra minute between you and your bedtime.

21. As a general rule (but there are exceptions): Don’t date people whose dating style fundamentally doesn’t align with your own. It’s going to end badly. For someone, at some point.

22. Pre-made, fully baked men who know how to be human beings DO exist. Not every man needs a girl to “train” him into doing the bare minimum.

    

    he’s real and he treats me right

23. The butternut squash “don’t kill yourself” soup still works.

24. There’s a dentist in Canada Water currently accepting NHS patients. God is real.

25. There’s no such thing as free cocaine.